well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
