She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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