I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Randomize