Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
