oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize