let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
