Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
