So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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