sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
