what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
