When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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