Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
