So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
