if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
