my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
