So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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