I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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