I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
