I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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