he told me I talked like a deaf person
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
