I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
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