I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
