im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Dear god my vagina.
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