Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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