Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
