Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
