I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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