Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
