I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
