M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize