i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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