i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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