Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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