He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I wish there were birth control emojis
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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