My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Randomize
