I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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