Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
