dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Randomize
