bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize