Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
babies were throwing up all over the place
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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