you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Randomize
