just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
