Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize