I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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