Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
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