the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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