I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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