I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
