can we get nightvision for the apartment?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
