I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
