Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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