It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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