remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
