i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
