four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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