i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize