take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
