If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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