my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
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