She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
