not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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